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What Happened to the Real You?

Many years ago, when I was about to get married, my dad pulled me aside and told me that my now-ex and I had a critical mass of integrity. I think what he really meant was that we were both too stubborn to sustain a marriage.

The marriage did fall apart, but my dad’s diagnosis was wrong. Integrity was never the problem—in fact, I still admire that about my ex. What ultimately did us in was a lack of emotional connection. I was looking for affection and the feeling of being seen and appreciated for who I am, without criticism. I suppose we all are.

From the time we are born, we are bombarded with criticism and judgements. Cute baby, wish it had been a boy, she won’t stop crying, children should be seen and not heard. Endless little comments that have a way of shaping us into something we’re not.

Many of us buckled under the pressure and spent our lives trying to conform and please others. Some, like my ex and I, dug in our heels and refused to be shaped—but that can bend us too. It requires building armor. And armor, though it feels protective, can keep people out and make us a bit rigid.

Either way, there is still an authentic core inside every one of us. There is a soul that chose to dip a toe into this dense, confusing reality, and it keeps sending us signals… however weak they may now be.

It gives us little stirrings in our hearts, occasional goose bumps, gut feelings, thrills and chills. We may have trained ourselves to ignore them, but the body doesn’t lie. It keeps asking us to pay attention.

Finding Your Authentic Self

That’s the you in you—the real you that hasn’t been buried by criticism, judgements, or well-meaning advice from parents, teachers, or friends.

At this point in your life, you may have strayed far from that real you. Made so many compromises it doesn’t seem possible to ever find your way back to authenticity.

How many ways do you hide your true feelings? What have you been afraid to create and share… or even keep to yourself? Where is the childlike enthusiasm for life you once had?

I’ve been asking myself questions like this for a while now. Peeling back layers of expectations and fears that keep me locked into a version of me that doesn’t align with the calling of my soul. And the answer that keeps coming back is, trust your gut, follow your heart, let enthusiasm lead the way.

That means ignoring conventions, other people’s expectations, and my own inner critic. Being true to the core essence of who I am… which is something I can never fully predict.

Know Thyself

There’s that famous inscription at the entrance to the Temple of Apollo at Delphi, Know Thyself. It may be the most profound advice ever written.

Because the only way we can truly know ourselves is to express the inner essence of who we are. And the more we explore and express it, the more it expands into an infinite spiral of discovery.

That’s what makes life fun!

That’s where fulfillment comes from. And that’s also where service comes from… which may be a surprise to you if you’ve been trained to kowtow to everyone else in the name of service.

We humans have a knack for getting things completely backwards. We’re taught to sublimate our own desires in order to serve the needs of others, but what others really need is our authenticity.

There are people out there just waiting for the spark of inspiration that comes from your self expression. It could be as simple as a smile in a supermarket, or as profound as the great American novel. It doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t give points for popularity or the human definition of success.

A mother’s homemade cookie baked with love is as important as Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa—both expressions of authenticity that touch the lives of those they are meant to touch. Both serve the whole in ways that can’t be measured.

The key is that they both express the essential nature of the person who created them—the greatest service of all.

The Call to Authenticity

Whether you’ve been aware of it or not, you’ve been hearing the call to authenticity all your life. That temper tantrum you had at two years old. Your fascination with horses, or rocks, or rocket ships. The impulse to paint, or write, or build birdhouses. All messages from your soul saying this is who I am. This is what I came here to explore and express.

And the world has been waiting for it, because you are the one piece in the jigsaw puzzle of life that makes the whole thing work.

I bet you’ve been taught not to believe that. Most of us were. But more and more, I see how true it is. The entire universe is waiting for your authentic self expression, because you are the universe. I am the universe. It’s all One. And the One is incomplete without you.

A Critical Mass

Now that I think about it, my dad wasn’t entirely wrong. My ex and I did have a critical mass of integrity, but that’s a good thing.

Critical mass is a size, number, or amount large enough to produce a particular result (Webster). That result can be positive or negative. When it comes to integrity, the more the better, because the particular result is authenticity.

That’s the You in You this post is all about—the You before the criticism and the armor and the compromises. You don’t have to overhaul your life to find your way back to it. Just pay attention to those little messages from your soul.

• The spark of interest when you notice a new movie coming out
• The subtle urge to take a walk in the middle of a work day
• The calmness you feel when you decide to stay home rather than go out to a party…
• Or maybe your delight in getting together with friends

You may have to dig deep to find some of the treasures that got buried under critiques and judgements over the years, but every treasure comes with a golden gleam that feels like curiosity, excitement, or even bliss. Whatever that is for you, try following it and see where it leads.

I know from experience, it will lead you home to you.